Red Flags Family Lawyers See Every Day (and Wish Clients Knew Earlier)
By Paul R. Meyers, Counsel, Family and Civil Mediator, Vancouver
After more than 23 years on the front lines of family law, presiding over trials and helping families resolve issues through mediation, I’ve noticed some recurring patterns. There are certain “red flags” that often show up early in relationships, long before anyone realizes there’s a problem. When those early warning signs are brushed aside or ignored, it can give rise to very serious issues down the road.
Of course, that’s easier said than done. We all know there’s a honeymoon phase, and that initial period of infatuation has a way of creating blind spots. We tend to explain things away, minimize concerns, or assume that what feels “off” now will somehow resolve itself later.
As Rachel Wright, a New York–licensed therapist, has wisely observed: “Stay on guard when things start to feel ‘off’ so perhaps you may be able to repair your relationship before the issues escalate.”
With that in mind, let me share a few examples of red flags I’ve seen time and again.
They’re Always Late
Your partner is constantly late. You arrange to meet for lunch at a certain time, you’re invited to your parents’ place for dinner, or you’re heading to a friend’s wedding and they’re never on time. Of course, there’s always an excuse: traffic was terrible, work ran late, they had to stop to pick something up on the way.
At first, you might brush it off and tell yourself it’s just one of their quicks, maybe even something you find a little endearing.
But this is a red flag.
Once marriage and children enter the picture, that chronic lateness stops being cute and starts becoming a reliability issue. It’s no longer harmless when your daughter is left sitting alone on the school steps for twenty minutes, waiting to be picked up.
They’re Always Short of Money
They seem to run out of money around the third week of every month. There’s always a reason. They spend more than they should have on gifts for you because they “love you so much”. A friend needed a loan to cover rent. They had to buy new clothes for a friend’s wedding (even they known about it for months!).
You tell yourself they’re just being thoughtful, or even generous. Someone who’s always willing to help others and put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own.
But this, too, is a red flag.
Once you’re married and responsible for shared expenses like rent, utilities, phone bills, and dentist appointments, that same pattern stops feeling generous and starts feeling irresponsible. What once seemed endearing can quickly become a major source of tension and resentment.
They Can’t Keep a Job
They are constantly quitting their jobs. Each time, there’s an explanation. The boss is cheap. Their supervisor doesn’t know what they’re doing. The expectations are unreasonable.
You accept these reasons and may even admire what they seem to say about your partner. You tell yourself that this shows they won’t be taken advantage of or that they know their worth. Those are good characteristics, right?
But this is a red flag.
Years later, when you’re trying to stick to a strict monthly budget, that same pattern looks very different. Repeatedly quitting jobs without another one lined up creates instability and stress. What once felt like confidence or independence can start to feel like a lack of responsibility, especially when the financial wellbeing of the family depends on steady income and followthrough.
They’re Quick to Anger
Every couple has disagreements and differences of opinion. That’s normal. But when arguments routinely include hurtful, insulting, or verbally abusive language, it does not bode well for the future.
Sometimes this behaviour shows up early in a relationship. Other times, it emerges later. Either way, it should be taken seriously. Anger that quickly escalates into namecalling or emotional attacks is a warning sign, not something to be explained away or tolerated.
Psychologists Lisanne van Marewijk and Judith Keltner have noted that certain behaviours are universal red flags in relationships. These include violent behaviour, excessive jealousy, controlling tendencies, and actions that reflect manipulation or emotional abuse. Behaviours like these should always be taken seriously.
They Make Fun of You in Public
Another red flag that should not be ignored is when your partner regularly makes fun of you in public, whether sarcastically or not. You’ve told them it hurts your feelings and asked them to stop, yet the behaviour continues.
This is a red flag for two reasons. First, it shows a lack of respect for your boundaries. Second, it demonstrates an absence of empathy for your feelings. Both matter deeply in a healthy relationship.
I can share one example I am personally aware of. A woman was married by a justice of the peace at city hall. As she was coming down the steps after the ceremony, she tripped and fell. Instead of helping her, her new husband became angry and called her “a stupid klutz.”
She brushed herself off, picked up her shoes, walked back up the steps, and asked the justice of the peace to tear up the marriage certificate. Fortunately, it had not yet been formally registered, and the justice did exactly that.
There are, of course, many other red flags to be aware of. Be cautious if your partner has no close friends, displays persistent jealousy, behaves in a controlling manner, refers to all of their former partners as “crazy,” or frequently lies to you, whether about small things or major ones. Pay close attention if there is infidelity, if they refuse to talk about their feelings, if they abuse alcohol or prescription or nonprescription drugs, or if they are physically or emotionally abusive.
These signs are often visible, but they are also easy to rationalize or overlook, especially early in a relationship. Be careful not to ignore them. Over time, these behaviours rarely improve on their own. In many cases, they stay the same or become worse. While some individuals can make meaningful changes with appropriate treatment, medication, and therapy, it is important to proceed cautiously and with your eyes wide open.
There is one final red flag I would like to mention, and this one is more personal. My mother taught me to pay attention to two things when judging a potential partner. First, notice how they treat their mother. Second, watch closely how they treat people who serve them, particularly food servers. Both tend to reveal character in ways that words do not.
Despite these red flags and potential warning signs, we are human. We fall in love. We hope for the best, and yet things may not work out as we had hoped. What matters most is what you do once these concerns come into focus and a relationship begins to break down.
In many situations, family mediation can be a constructive way to address the issues that arise when a relationship ends. If you are experiencing challenges and are unsure how to move forward, reach out to us to schedule your free 30minute mediation consultation today.
